Wednesday, June 15, 2005


Put up some shelves in my room three days ago. They worked out sorta funny because my room's ceiling is slanted at about 5 feet and it's a crooked slant...and my bed is old and weird and is slanted as well so the shelf looks TOTALLY level (even though it really IS level, I used a level and such). Bizarre...oh well. i put Jactinat's poem (well, 2 pages of it, since I need to erect the other one to get the entire thing. So...putting em up, I admired my handiwork...and then I unwittingly started reading the poem again. ...It was really amazing, it really hit home the 2nd time, much more than it did the first time. I don't think anyone has ever given me anything with as much meaning to it before. And not only that, but it was really intelligently written too, so it more powerful than just a normal sorta poem. It really helped...describe-without-being-descriptive-more-than-necessary the sort of times we spent together and experiences we had. I guess we're really not that far off from each other at all...maybe this is the ideal sort of relationship? We're almost like 2 sides to the same coin, I'm the darker, more pessimistic one, she's the happier more optimistic one, and we compliment each other and are able to support each others weaknesses and double our strengths. Yeah, we both fight every so often, but if we've come through the arguements we have so far, I think we can probably handle pretty much any arguement that can come up. I'm looking forward to where this one goes....I think things are looking good so far. Today's Card of the day is the 2 of clubs.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


I've been lax in writing. Been busy with looking for cars and work and actually going to work. Oh, and the normal housework I generally do around here. Twas good times today at work. Guy called up and asked about a reservation sometime in july for him and his girlfriend and apparently his wife overheard him and went "What ?!" and a bit of yelling ensued....twas amusing. I think i really like my coworkers and boss. They're all very friendly and so-far very understanding about my being new and very fun to work with. Lots of laughter and such :) Just the kind of job one wants, I think. I think I've been blessed with jobs, all my jobs have been very nice. This one's been even better than my last one, though. Instead of getting paid minimum wage, this time I'm getting paid either 8.15 or 8.25 (can't remember). Still having trouble getting a car...but I'll find one. We'll see...

Just moving forward, moving on, getting's what I have to do now.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


Told myself I'd write more...and so I shall. Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with Jacinta. We were talking and "Someday" came up. Someday. Isn't that the greatest thing ever?  Someday is hope, aspiration and more. I don't know why...but someday means a lot to me, now. Me, generally the most hopeless and cynic of the fatalists (I have a fairly fatalist attitude about life, after all), seeing and feeling such a feeling as hope. Not something I would have thought I'd feel again, anyway.

After all...what is hope but a fragile flower? It's so small, so easily crushed, even though it's so beautiful and powerful in it's weakness. So little substance to such a strong emotion. This time, though, I aspire to keep it alive, this time, and not allow my hope to be buried beneath a sheet of frost until it dies, as before. I don't know how I'm to go about this, but I'll find something. I have faith in that. Someday WILL be a day I'll live to see. Someday.

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow! I feel exactly the same as you wrote in your first entry...stuck? Cool diary! For real! [~!Entwined!~] 5/12/2005 6:00:01 PM
Even though you only have two entries...they are truly amazing! You know how to write! [~!Entwined!~] 5/12/2005 6:00:41 PM
I think hope is one of the more powerful influences on humans. It masquerades as something weak and crushable, but really...think about it. No matter how much frost you coat it with, no matter how many winters it endures...that tiny spark is always there...never completely gone. The closest it comes to dying is when you abandon one hope for another, but then, it's really only a transferrence [Paradoxwild] 2/10/2012 3:13:56 AM
Did I mention I hate it? Lying bitch, that's what hope is to me now. But she's the reason I'm still here, because I havent managed to completely stamp her out. [Paradoxwild] 2/10/2012 3:15:07 AM

Sunday, May 8, 2005


This is my first entry from OD, the next....almost 2000 will be as well. >.>

Don't mind old me. I'm emo as fuck and not to be noticed. This is just for people who actually care to go this far back and read this. It's reference I suppose. Will be posting notes as well.


First entry's nothing too new, though. I used to have a diary online for the longest time, but just started moving away from it as i moved further and further from the life I lived at that time. I went back on a whim, today, the day of my birth, to see if my old diary was still there. It's not...long since deleted, I suppose. I hadn't touched it for years...but I suppose I don't mind too much. I've decided to start writing once again, though, in this new place. I hope it turns out as well as my old diary site.

I do have a few reasons for coming back....chief among them is that writing helps me develop where and who I am (I'm not the most certain, emotionally and spiritually, of people. I sway unless I reinforce my feelings a good deal....writing and expressing my feelings helps me determine exactly what I feel. My outer shell has gotten so thick that not even I can tell what I'm feeling at a given time a lot of the time. Side effect of my past, I suppose.

Another reason is the one underlying the first one....I want to become a more stable person and I <EM>know</EM> that writing helps me do that. I want to be as good a person as I can be for a girl who's recently stepped into my life. She's not some random girl who has no standards or such...she's high class and she deserves to be with someone else who is too. Right now, I know i'm very very very very unworthy of her I'm going to try bettering myself for her through writing. Writing has always been good for that, with me.

The third and final reason for this diary is one I'm not completely sure I want to implement or not, yet. I was considering eventually giving the key to this diary to the girl whom I'm writing this diary for in the first place, but i'm not sure I'm going to or if I even want to, yet. We'll see, in time. At least, I won't be giving this to her anytime soon, considering there hardly is anything in it. In time, we will see.

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

I started writing in OD for the same trying to find my old self back. Been rather "scarred" in the last 5 years until a few years ago that I feel rather dead inside...emotionally , I just can't trust people as much as I do, for they'll end up hurting and disappointing me.

But I am too far gone that I doubt I can be as how I was. I guess better to lead a life with a high impenetrable shield than be frail.  [enes] [p] 2/22/2011 5:57:10 AM

Starting again...

I used to blog on OD. Got tired of the tired of the downtime. Got tired of the lack of updating (not being able to upload youtube videos without a ton of aggravation, wtf? Therefore I begin anew here. Incoming massive dump of old entries.